Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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