What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
