I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
