I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
