dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
