I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
