At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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