Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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