Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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