I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
