You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
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