dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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