Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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