Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
