Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
