you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
