yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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