Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
