UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
