Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
