is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
