hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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