She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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