i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
That accounts for only three of the penises
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize