Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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