I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
