i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
