Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
