WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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