She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
