No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
