I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
