my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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