just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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