this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize