I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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