So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
