I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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