Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
