For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
