Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
