We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
