My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
