wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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