Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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