Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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