In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
she peed on how many people?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
