I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
