Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
