So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
