just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Randomize
