Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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