Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
