If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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